Disability remodeling

I've done some work for a guy who does disability remodeling, which is remodeling and/or renovating a home to make it more accessible for people with disabilities. He builds wheelchair ramps and stuff like that, too. It's a cool business to be in!

Here's his site: http://www.barrierfreerenov.com/

For the animals

I've decided to put my mouth where my mouth is and become a vegetarian, or a vegan (I haven't decided which. Perhaps I'll do it in stages.). I can no longer give my tacit approval to the daily atrocities being committed against animals. Likewise, my money will be going toward ending factory farming.

Enough of this half-commitment, or commitment only when it's convenient and there's no roast beef in sight.

3 things today

I forgot to mention that my latest angst was actually from yesterday. Today I feel a bit better, but I can see I am not out of the woods, depression-wise. It was a horrible weekend on the knife edge of suicide again.

Today... 3 beautiful things:

The catsitter came to meet my kitties and they did not hide from her! This is unbelievable since they are complete chickens about strangers and usually disappear the instant someone knocks on the door. So I think this bodes well.

I went out to get the mail and it is very fall-like today, a faint smell of fireplaces, the sky overcast. Gorgeous. Reminds me of being a kid.

Getting the news from my job that they want to keep me on past the original cut-off date of January. So... I am still employed through June of next year. Amen to that!

Why am I here?

Why am I here (in Pennsylvania)? I keep having these moments of astonishment that I’ve moved here. I’ve forgotten my reasons for doing it. Yeah, for Mom and Dad. But there was more to it – the whole thing about being alone and catching up on whatever growing I never did because I was always in relationships. Some days I feel like an absolute child emotionally, like there’s no way I’ll ever catch up so I shouldn’t even bother trying. And if I do want to try, how do I do that??? I really don’t know. Should I be going to therapy? It doesn’t seem like that has ever helped me before.

I feel so hopeless about ever getting healthy enough to have a longterm relationship. And part of my non-health is the feeling that I don’t really want one in many ways – I have all the romantic ideas about how nice it would be but the reality is that people drive me crazy and I can’t stand being around someone all the time. But then I see couples like Meredith and David and I wish I could have that, too. So I guess I don’t even know what I want.

I feel like I’m learning stuff about myself in all this loneliness (or not necessarily loneliness, but a lot of being alone). I am learning that I don’t want to have people in my life just to have them there. That I’d rather be alone than spend time with people who don’t feel “right” to me, whatever that may mean. And that I don’t want to force the issue of making friends. That whole phrase – making friends – implies that you have control over whether or not you become friends with people. I don’t want to make anyone or make myself either.

On the other hand, how am I to even meet people when I don’t go anywhere? I guess I should take a class or something, but honestly I have no drive to do anything like that. After a day of work, I want nothing more than to putter around, maybe watch a movie, eat some dinner, read a book, go to bed.

Status report

By the way, I am happy to report that my mental state has been very good over the past few months. I am completely off the antidepressants. I attribute this to... (drum roll)... FISH OIL!! I started by taking quite a lot of it, up to 10 capsules a day for a few weeks. Then I cut down to 3 or so daily. Now I'm taking one a day usually, although I will increase it when I feel the need.

Also, I have moved across the country and am now living in Pennsylvania (near my parents). I have no friends, I work at home, and I seldom see anyone other than my dad, mom, and sister, and yet I am not lonely. I am starting to work on my art again, albeit very slowly and tentatively. And I have ideas about writing projects, too.

All this is nothing short of a miracle.

Alas, he's not going to run

Al Gore, I mean.

A cold and rainy day

Having a bit of a hard time today -- oh hell, I'm having an awful time! I went out for lunch with Deb but otherwise have done very little today. Julie did come over this morning, though. That was good, even if she only stayed for a few minutes, at least it helped to see someone (besides Deb).

About Deb, I seem to have the deepest rage over this "break-up" or whatever it is that we're doing. I want to tell her to just go away and leave me alone. But I'm chicken. However, I might yet do it. She hasn't really done anything wrong, but my feelings are so hurt. How could she not want me anymore?? I just want to punish her for that. Never mind that I feel the same way about her quite a lot.

Was there anything beautiful today? I'm trying to think of something, but it's tough. Currently I've been hanging on the computer for hours, vaguely looking for classes to take or something to get me interested in life. My sister Mary wants to go for a long weekend to San Diego with me, so that's a possibility.

Thank god for my programming class. Even though it's impossible, at least it takes my mind off my other troubles for a while. I need a life that I can love. Maybe being single will inspire me to actually write or paint. Now that would be something.

Life without meds

I've been having a gut-wrenching time, lately. Trying to get off my antidepressants -- well, I am now actually off them for two days now -- and live a good life and not lose my mind. Added to this the fact that Deb is now on the verge of breaking up with me. I keep going to that place of "you always screw everything up" and "that'll teach you to try to have a relationship," etc. etc. Very painful thoughts that I keep trying to quell.

Today was okay, mostly. I had breakfast with Laurel and she told me that being alone is really not bad. How would I know? I've never really been alone for more than a few months. I know I need to do it, Deb or no.

So, beautiful things today: Laurel. What a dear, good friend she is. She understands me so well.

And then what? I cut a blue iris that was lying in the path. Brought it in and put it in a clear vase. It looks just stunning.

My cats -- taking little movies of them with my camera. My "movie" of Sophie is more like a photograph, since she never moves the entire time except to breathe.

I'm thinking this is one of those "one day at a time" times. Trying to just remember that and not dwell on what I think the future will be. I can go crazy thinking about growing old alone, etc.

Working on my programming class today and things are coming together a bit better in my brain than they had been for the past week or so. That's a relief. I feel like maybe I will be able to make it out of this class alive. (So to speak.)

Walking, food, and warm fuzzies

Walking in the sun today, on the way to a meeting in another building, I was feeling really strong and good. I think the interval training is actually doing something. And fast! I just started it a few days ago and already I feel better. This is encouraging news, since I was at the end of my exercise rope, really.

Gardenburger's "Chik'n Grillers" (or something like that) are stupendously delicious and really do taste like chicken. (I know, I know...) I had one on a bun with tomato, sprouts, and onion. What a great dinner.

Meredith made me feel good today. I asked her if she thought I'd qualify for a fairly high-level job I saw posted, and she said yes. I didn't put the pressure on her, either. She could have easily said no and I assured her I wouldn't be offended if she had.

Poppies, muffins, and snuggly kitties

I rescued a bunch of scarlet poppies from certain death -- someone had torn them up by the roots. Today they are blooming in my kitchen. They're fabulous!

I made bran muffins tonight using a recipe from Cooks Illustrated. Delicious -- I ate three.

Sammy was snuggled into the new kitty hiding place this morning -- a plush number I bought at the cat show yesterday with Laurel. He looked adorable. I took a picture.