A cold and rainy day

Having a bit of a hard time today -- oh hell, I'm having an awful time! I went out for lunch with Deb but otherwise have done very little today. Julie did come over this morning, though. That was good, even if she only stayed for a few minutes, at least it helped to see someone (besides Deb).

About Deb, I seem to have the deepest rage over this "break-up" or whatever it is that we're doing. I want to tell her to just go away and leave me alone. But I'm chicken. However, I might yet do it. She hasn't really done anything wrong, but my feelings are so hurt. How could she not want me anymore?? I just want to punish her for that. Never mind that I feel the same way about her quite a lot.

Was there anything beautiful today? I'm trying to think of something, but it's tough. Currently I've been hanging on the computer for hours, vaguely looking for classes to take or something to get me interested in life. My sister Mary wants to go for a long weekend to San Diego with me, so that's a possibility.

Thank god for my programming class. Even though it's impossible, at least it takes my mind off my other troubles for a while. I need a life that I can love. Maybe being single will inspire me to actually write or paint. Now that would be something.

Life without meds

I've been having a gut-wrenching time, lately. Trying to get off my antidepressants -- well, I am now actually off them for two days now -- and live a good life and not lose my mind. Added to this the fact that Deb is now on the verge of breaking up with me. I keep going to that place of "you always screw everything up" and "that'll teach you to try to have a relationship," etc. etc. Very painful thoughts that I keep trying to quell.

Today was okay, mostly. I had breakfast with Laurel and she told me that being alone is really not bad. How would I know? I've never really been alone for more than a few months. I know I need to do it, Deb or no.

So, beautiful things today: Laurel. What a dear, good friend she is. She understands me so well.

And then what? I cut a blue iris that was lying in the path. Brought it in and put it in a clear vase. It looks just stunning.

My cats -- taking little movies of them with my camera. My "movie" of Sophie is more like a photograph, since she never moves the entire time except to breathe.

I'm thinking this is one of those "one day at a time" times. Trying to just remember that and not dwell on what I think the future will be. I can go crazy thinking about growing old alone, etc.

Working on my programming class today and things are coming together a bit better in my brain than they had been for the past week or so. That's a relief. I feel like maybe I will be able to make it out of this class alive. (So to speak.)

Walking, food, and warm fuzzies

Walking in the sun today, on the way to a meeting in another building, I was feeling really strong and good. I think the interval training is actually doing something. And fast! I just started it a few days ago and already I feel better. This is encouraging news, since I was at the end of my exercise rope, really.

Gardenburger's "Chik'n Grillers" (or something like that) are stupendously delicious and really do taste like chicken. (I know, I know...) I had one on a bun with tomato, sprouts, and onion. What a great dinner.

Meredith made me feel good today. I asked her if she thought I'd qualify for a fairly high-level job I saw posted, and she said yes. I didn't put the pressure on her, either. She could have easily said no and I assured her I wouldn't be offended if she had.

Poppies, muffins, and snuggly kitties

I rescued a bunch of scarlet poppies from certain death -- someone had torn them up by the roots. Today they are blooming in my kitchen. They're fabulous!

I made bran muffins tonight using a recipe from Cooks Illustrated. Delicious -- I ate three.

Sammy was snuggled into the new kitty hiding place this morning -- a plush number I bought at the cat show yesterday with Laurel. He looked adorable. I took a picture.

Disapproving rabbits.

Hilarious.
http://birdchick.com/adventures/rabbit/index.html

Found this May Sarton poem today

Now I Become Myself

Now I become myself. It's taken
Time, many years and places;
I have been dissolved and shaken,
Worn other people's faces,
Run madly, as if Time were there,
Terribly old, crying a warning,
"Hurry, you will be dead before--"
(What? Before you reach the morning?
Or the end of the poem is clear?
Or love safe in the walled city?)
Now to stand still, to be here,
Feel my own weight and density!
The black shadow on the paper
Is my hand; the shadow of a word
As thought shapes the shaper
Falls heavy on the page, is heard.
All fuses now, falls into place
From wish to action, word to silence,
My work, my love, my time, my face
Gathered into one intense
Gesture of growing like a plant.
As slowly as the ripening fruit
Fertile, detached, and always spent,
Falls but does not exhaust the root,
So all the poem is, can give,
Grows in me to become the song,
Made so and rooted so by love.
Now there is time and Time is young.
O, in this single hour I live
All of myself and do not move.
I, the pursued, who madly ran,
Stand still, stand still, and stop the sun!

-- May Sarton

Speaking from the depths...

Today I ran across a bunch of the "3 beautiful things" blogs (the original 3BT and a bunch of "spin-offs"). Seems like something that might make me feel better about life. Right now, I'm in the blackest depression again, so soon after thinking I had found the miracle drug that would finally relieve me of the black beast.

So, for today, 3 things that make life seem worth living (or at least a little):

Neatloaf at the local health food restaurant run by the Sri Chinmoy people. I don't really know much about them -- just that they make great vegetarian food. This is good since Deb and I have decided to eat more vegetarian these days. That is, eat less meat, not eat more vegetarians. Although they probably taste pretty good, being so healthy and all.

Ah, what else? The rain, which the garden needed and is now happily soaking up. I'm cheating a little because the rain was actually yesterday, but I'll count it anyhow, since I'm running very short on things today.

Movies -- being able to insert my depressed self into a movie theater and come out 2 and a half hours later feeling much better.

Part of the pain of depression is the feeling and belief that it will never end. That I will always feel this bad until the day I die. It's good to be reminded that it's really only temporary. Even if it is recurrent, alas.