I've decided to put my mouth where my mouth is and become a vegetarian, or a vegan (I haven't decided which. Perhaps I'll do it in stages.). I can no longer give my tacit approval to the daily atrocities being committed against animals. Likewise, my money will be going toward ending factory farming.
Enough of this half-commitment, or commitment only when it's convenient and there's no roast beef in sight.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
3 things today
I forgot to mention that my latest angst was actually from yesterday. Today I feel a bit better, but I can see I am not out of the woods, depression-wise. It was a horrible weekend on the knife edge of suicide again.
Today... 3 beautiful things:
The catsitter came to meet my kitties and they did not hide from her! This is unbelievable since they are complete chickens about strangers and usually disappear the instant someone knocks on the door. So I think this bodes well.
I went out to get the mail and it is very fall-like today, a faint smell of fireplaces, the sky overcast. Gorgeous. Reminds me of being a kid.
Getting the news from my job that they want to keep me on past the original cut-off date of January. So... I am still employed through June of next year. Amen to that!
Today... 3 beautiful things:
The catsitter came to meet my kitties and they did not hide from her! This is unbelievable since they are complete chickens about strangers and usually disappear the instant someone knocks on the door. So I think this bodes well.
I went out to get the mail and it is very fall-like today, a faint smell of fireplaces, the sky overcast. Gorgeous. Reminds me of being a kid.
Getting the news from my job that they want to keep me on past the original cut-off date of January. So... I am still employed through June of next year. Amen to that!
Why am I here?
Why am I here (in Pennsylvania)? I keep having these moments of astonishment that I’ve moved here. I’ve forgotten my reasons for doing it. Yeah, for Mom and Dad. But there was more to it – the whole thing about being alone and catching up on whatever growing I never did because I was always in relationships. Some days I feel like an absolute child emotionally, like there’s no way I’ll ever catch up so I shouldn’t even bother trying. And if I do want to try, how do I do that??? I really don’t know. Should I be going to therapy? It doesn’t seem like that has ever helped me before.
I feel so hopeless about ever getting healthy enough to have a longterm relationship. And part of my non-health is the feeling that I don’t really want one in many ways – I have all the romantic ideas about how nice it would be but the reality is that people drive me crazy and I can’t stand being around someone all the time. But then I see couples like Meredith and David and I wish I could have that, too. So I guess I don’t even know what I want.
I feel like I’m learning stuff about myself in all this loneliness (or not necessarily loneliness, but a lot of being alone). I am learning that I don’t want to have people in my life just to have them there. That I’d rather be alone than spend time with people who don’t feel “right” to me, whatever that may mean. And that I don’t want to force the issue of making friends. That whole phrase – making friends – implies that you have control over whether or not you become friends with people. I don’t want to make anyone or make myself either.
On the other hand, how am I to even meet people when I don’t go anywhere? I guess I should take a class or something, but honestly I have no drive to do anything like that. After a day of work, I want nothing more than to putter around, maybe watch a movie, eat some dinner, read a book, go to bed.
I feel so hopeless about ever getting healthy enough to have a longterm relationship. And part of my non-health is the feeling that I don’t really want one in many ways – I have all the romantic ideas about how nice it would be but the reality is that people drive me crazy and I can’t stand being around someone all the time. But then I see couples like Meredith and David and I wish I could have that, too. So I guess I don’t even know what I want.
I feel like I’m learning stuff about myself in all this loneliness (or not necessarily loneliness, but a lot of being alone). I am learning that I don’t want to have people in my life just to have them there. That I’d rather be alone than spend time with people who don’t feel “right” to me, whatever that may mean. And that I don’t want to force the issue of making friends. That whole phrase – making friends – implies that you have control over whether or not you become friends with people. I don’t want to make anyone or make myself either.
On the other hand, how am I to even meet people when I don’t go anywhere? I guess I should take a class or something, but honestly I have no drive to do anything like that. After a day of work, I want nothing more than to putter around, maybe watch a movie, eat some dinner, read a book, go to bed.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Status report
By the way, I am happy to report that my mental state has been very good over the past few months. I am completely off the antidepressants. I attribute this to... (drum roll)... FISH OIL!! I started by taking quite a lot of it, up to 10 capsules a day for a few weeks. Then I cut down to 3 or so daily. Now I'm taking one a day usually, although I will increase it when I feel the need.
Also, I have moved across the country and am now living in Pennsylvania (near my parents). I have no friends, I work at home, and I seldom see anyone other than my dad, mom, and sister, and yet I am not lonely. I am starting to work on my art again, albeit very slowly and tentatively. And I have ideas about writing projects, too.
All this is nothing short of a miracle.
Also, I have moved across the country and am now living in Pennsylvania (near my parents). I have no friends, I work at home, and I seldom see anyone other than my dad, mom, and sister, and yet I am not lonely. I am starting to work on my art again, albeit very slowly and tentatively. And I have ideas about writing projects, too.
All this is nothing short of a miracle.
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