Why am I here?

Why am I here (in Pennsylvania)? I keep having these moments of astonishment that I’ve moved here. I’ve forgotten my reasons for doing it. Yeah, for Mom and Dad. But there was more to it – the whole thing about being alone and catching up on whatever growing I never did because I was always in relationships. Some days I feel like an absolute child emotionally, like there’s no way I’ll ever catch up so I shouldn’t even bother trying. And if I do want to try, how do I do that??? I really don’t know. Should I be going to therapy? It doesn’t seem like that has ever helped me before.

I feel so hopeless about ever getting healthy enough to have a longterm relationship. And part of my non-health is the feeling that I don’t really want one in many ways – I have all the romantic ideas about how nice it would be but the reality is that people drive me crazy and I can’t stand being around someone all the time. But then I see couples like Meredith and David and I wish I could have that, too. So I guess I don’t even know what I want.

I feel like I’m learning stuff about myself in all this loneliness (or not necessarily loneliness, but a lot of being alone). I am learning that I don’t want to have people in my life just to have them there. That I’d rather be alone than spend time with people who don’t feel “right” to me, whatever that may mean. And that I don’t want to force the issue of making friends. That whole phrase – making friends – implies that you have control over whether or not you become friends with people. I don’t want to make anyone or make myself either.

On the other hand, how am I to even meet people when I don’t go anywhere? I guess I should take a class or something, but honestly I have no drive to do anything like that. After a day of work, I want nothing more than to putter around, maybe watch a movie, eat some dinner, read a book, go to bed.